you know, life, it’s funny sometimes.
its funny how god allows certain people in your life to stay, some to go, some to tease you, some to remind you, some to make you feel like you want to die when you think about them.
i cant help but feeling annoyed with life today. im annoyed at myself. ryan. garrett. mike. krista. terry. its like so many situations that are out of my control, and i cant think with my head, only emotions that are attached to my over generous heart.
ryan just pissed me off cause he hasnt been talking to me cause i told him a few weeks ago i didnt see myself being with him. which is fair cause to not talk to someone so much anymore. but i wasnt entirely to blame. yeah i flirted with him, whatever whatever. but we also had conversations about how i didnt want to be with any one, that i’d been depressed pretty hard core over the summer, and that until my shit was straightened out i wasnt prepared for anything with anyone. yet he ignored my warnings and took my teasing and light flirtations as for how i really felt. he never even kissed me. like…if you want me to like you, you should actually try to make me like you back. or something. seriously.
garrett’s a whole other issue in and of itself. i like the guy. a lot. hell, might even love him if i let me be honest with myself. yet here i am, stuck in the same fucking situation of “i dont do girlfriends”. he was like a godsend. i found him when i needed someone the most. like he was put in the store for me to meet him, like i knew i’d regret not talking to the guy. and sure enough, he woke me up from the silent stupor i was in for months. i was terrified of letting him go anywhere without me, sure that he would leave and not come back again. i still am. constantly second guessing that he even likes me, when i’ve heard the words come out of his mouth. he’s so different then anyone i’ve met. i think he honestly believes he’s a bad person and thats why he thinks he’s not good enough for anyone. but he wont tell me why. which hurts. but i know its just who he is to not let anyone in. i want to be his girl friend so bad. which is so unusual for me. i can be content on being just his whatever he wants to call me, as long as there’s an exclusivity to the relationship, but i cant ever get a clear answer out of him. he’s so afraid to commit to anything but the freaking marines.
and i’m still so fucking picked off at mike, which is slightly more recent. he hasnt talked to me since june, and as of late i havent been that pissed about it. but seriously. june? its now almost NOVEMBER. i really only want to hear from him so i can yell at him. make him hurt just as badly as he’s hurt me. which i know sounds awful. but no matter what i dont think he’ll ever feel the magnitude of pain he’s inflicted upon my head, heart, and soul. i cant even honestly say good things about him. i dont even wish i could. the highs rarely outweighed the lows. its unfair because of the damage that wont ever go away because of him. no matter what, now, i’m always going to think the other person is going to just leave. without a word or trace that he’s not ever coming back. even tho he said he had no reason to go…..that was the cruelest of all words he could have ever said to me.
krista mentioned today how bad her relationship was affecting her happiness, and said a few things that really upset me. i cant stand to lose another friend. im trying to help her and i dont know how…
and god, terry, i miss him so much. its been seven months since he died. and i found some evidence to believe that he did commit suicide. it hurts so bad inside to think that he thought he wouldnt be missed, or that life was so awful he had no one to turn to. i would have listened, whatever the problem…i would have listened terry. i would have hugged you and kept you safe and told you how many people love you and miss you everyday still…i wish you hadnt left us…
and lastly, me. i have no motivation to do hardly anything. school work, work, go out. i’m annoyed at myself. i hate feeling like this. so much bottled inside and cant get it out in one go without being interrupted or have the subject change.
i want good things to come about it life. i want to love people and have them love me in return. i want people to stop taking life for granted, its so precious. my friends got me through my rough times over the summer. i woke up everyday and told myself “you have the 5 best friends a girl could ask for, you dont just give that up for nothing.” im just so frustrated……….
