They call me A.Cray

I think I’m more depressed than I let on.

and yayyyyy

he’s in a relationship with the person he said he had no feelings for.

i fell in love with you somewhere along the line

and am just now realizing it after its been a month too late.

i’m lonely.

brandon:You just seem kinda bummed out

me: maybe. i’ll get over it.

brandon: Shouldn’t have to be something you needa get over. I take it it involves a guy?

me: more so being lonely. wanting something real. being over the whole dating thing.  and would just rather be happy. and know how to work things out.

brandon: I know exactly how you feel. I’m in the same situation you are. Being here this extra year made me realize I’m not all that close with all that many girls here. Ontop of the fact that I haven’t had any type of a real anything with a girl in college. I know how the whole lonely thin is.

you know what? you DONT know how i feel you fucking piece of shit. you’re not my close friend, and you’re NOT in the same fucking position i am in. you dont wonder everyday if the person you’ve wanted to be with for almost seven god damn years will ever figure out what the fuck he wants, and if after seven years you arent wondering if you’ve wasted all that stupid time wanting someone who will never fucking figure it out. the one person who gets you, who knows you, who wants you to be happy…cant fucking realize its HIM that makes you happy, but only sees you 3-4 times a year. god what a fucking joke….. and then you find someone knew. someone who takes your breath away…who name or face or laugh you just cant get out of your head…..someone who takes the place of the person you thought you’d never get over…. and then they let you down. you’re too young. you’re not this. you’re not that. when all you want to be is everything they want you to be but they concinve themselves that you’re not it, even when you know you are. you cant convince them. they feel you’re pain. they’re too scared. even when you’re scared beyond belief of letting anyone close to you again. but they’ve taken you by such surprise and so incredibly fast that you cant think straight…and all you want is for it to work…. you just want them. that nothing else matters but making them happy, and spending time with them. and putting a smile on their face……and falling for them, even though they’ve told you something is preventing them from being with you……….how does this happen? how does someone fall so quickly for someone? how do you stop it? how do you prevent it from starting?  i fell pretty quickly for michael daley junior. and i didnt know how to stop it. i said the wrong thing once, and fucked it up for myself later. i didnt think i’d like him as much as i did. i didnt think i’d fall for him like i did. i didnt think that i’d see a future that involved him. i didnt think i’d care about him as much as did so quickly… if only……well… i dont know “if only i…” i have no idea how to make things different. i fought harder for him that i thought i could have fought for anyone to make them see without spelling out what was happening in my heart.  i didnt know any other ways to convince him to try…to let me prove to him…. i want to be happy, yes.. but i knew i’d have been happiest with him. i never saw more clear future memories with someone than i did with him. he was the photo album on the coffee table i was proud to show off. pictures of our past, our happieness…. i never felt like i was fit for someone as well i was with him. i never got the chance to prove it to him… i wish i did…. i didnt know 2 months ago… but i would have stayed around. i wouldn’t have left. i wouldn’t want too. i’d give everything and anythingfor a lifetime of the happiness i felt in a month with him…..i’d give even more if i could have it with him…. for now i’ll just go day to day pretending i’m not hurting, when i really am, pretending to fill the void with people i could give a shit less about, pretending i dont think and dream about mike, pretending i’m not still crazy, head over heals, shoot for the starts, out of the ball park, over michael daley jr. but in reality, i can numb it out, forget by busying myself enough to distraction, but as soon as i get a minute to mysefl my thoughts float to “god i hope he’s having a good day” or  “i wonder if he misses me too….” or “maybe he thought about calling me today, but knew it wouldnt be productive for either of us.” what do i even do about this? i dont know how to get past the shit i’ve been through anymore……when i met him, i thought, god he’s amazing…what if this is it? i cant help wondering if my life will be worse without him in it… like if because of him i end up in some abusive relationship i cant or dont know how to get out of….. i’m so screwed up at this point i dont know what to believe my future cuold have been with him…. i do feel like it would have been exactly what i wanted it to be…..and i do feel like i missed out on everything i knew it should have been………..damnit, i dont think i’ll ever stop wondering what my life would have been like with you…i dont think i’ll ever stop thinking that a at some point i definately heard the little voice in the back of my head tell me it was you that i was waiting for. it was just that i had already said to much, i had already put my fucking foot in my mouth before i head that voice……. why, oh why, didn’t i figure it out sooner.

Happy birthday jose medina!